Friday, March 21, 2008


GOP Presidential Hopeful Came Back With Even Fewer.

(March 18, Tel Aviv, Israel) Having just completed a fact finding tour that took him to Iraq, republican presidential candidate, Senator John McCain of Arizona, stopped in Israel to meet with high ranking officials, bolster his standing with American Jewish voters and to demonstrate the broad scope of his confusion.

Traveling with fellow senators Lindsey Graham of South Carolina and Joe Lieberman of Connecticut, the trio spent their time in Iraq visiting with top commanders and rank and file soldiers. The bulk of their time on the ground was spent within the heavily fortified and protected “Green Zone”. McCain, a staunch supporter of the war in Iraq since the outset and a vocal advocate for the so called “surge”, the GOP candidate appeared to enjoy his time in that battle torn country. “My friends, yes, this surge is working. You bet it is”, commented McCain while on a military transport aircraft on his way to Israel. “Look, we have to defeat them here. Iranians are training Iraqis to become Al Qaeda and they have vast support from Iraqis who wish they were Iranians”, said the somewhat befuddled McCain. Responding to reporters questions the 71 year old former Navy pilot, POW and cradle robber became visibly agitated. “Hey, my friends, I did not pick this to be the transcendent issue of our time. This war on terror, on Islamo-Facists who hate our way of life, uh, that was up to them. I can promise you this; I will follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell. I will find him and everyone he knows. I will beat him like a mangy dog. That, my friends is what a McCain presidency will be all about.”

When questioned about what potential role Senator Lieberman, a renegade democrat, might play in a McCain administration, the candidate warmed up considerably. “Joe Lieberman is my friend. I am proud of him as a Jew, as a Joe and as a regular Joe who is a Jew. As a Joe Jew, Joe understands the transcendent issue before us. We must keep Joe and all Jews, both in Israel and elsewhere safe from Hamas, Hezbollah and the Islamo-Facists who hate ice cream, music, bagels and wrestling. My friends and Jews, this is our calling. This is what I have prepared my entire life for. This is why I live on Maalox and V-8.” After this statement the senator retired to his cabin for the remainder of the flight. Sources close to the candidate say he had been suffering from a mild case of sun stroke from his time in Iraq. They added that he was receiving an IV drip of Red Bull, Viagra, Ginko Baloba and Pamprin.

Upon arriving in Israel, McCain met with top Israeli officials including Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and his cabinet. Matters of security, American financial aid, trade and American financial aid were the top items on a tightly packed agenda. After hours of intense meetings, McCain gave a brief statement to reporters. “Israel is important to Jews and to me. My friends, Israel is a Jewish state but can continue to co-exist with the Palestinians as long as they keep them oppressed, segregated, deprived of all human rights and behind a big, tall cement wall. I support the Palestinians to seek their own destiny provided Israel can bomb them at will, assassinate anyone they please and continue to occupy their land. America supports this and has been a good friend to Jews and Israel. Nothing will change when I live in the White House.”

Before boarding his flight back to America, McCain commented at the Ben Gurion Airport noting that the Jewish Holiday, Purim, was being celebrated that day. “My Jewish friends, I am glad to be here on Purim, the Jew version of an American favorite holiday, Halloween. We all know what Halloween means to us and Purim to Jews and how Halloween was a major cause of the Holocaust. Jews everywhere should trick or treat today just because they can.” Before the addled senator could make an even larger asshole of himself then he already had, he was quickly hustled onto the waiting aircraft by several Marines.

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