Saturday, April 12, 2008


Clinton Campaign Rocked By Revelations

(April 12, Valpariso, IN) In tightly contested campaigns, particularly when the goal is the presidency of the United States, issues come and go. Then, there are issues that strike so profoundly among the electorate, that they literally can turn the tide for or against a candidate.

On the democratic side, this primary season has been one of the tightest, closest and rancorous contests since the Civil War. Issues of race and gender, experience and change, looking back and looking ahead, have been manifest as first term Illinois Senator, Barak Obama has given former First Lady, two term New York Senator, Hillary Clinton, the political fight of her life. Each word uttered by the respective candidates or their surrogates is fodder for the other. The media is all too willing to take a verbal slip, a slight mistake said publicly, and inflate it to monumental proportions. That seems to be the nature of our politics today. One candidate’s camp jabs and hooks the other, while they each anxiously await any opportunity to pounce.

Yesterday, while speaking in Boonville, Indiana, former President Bill Clinton was able to inadvertently inflict more damage on his wife’s campaign than Senators Obama or GOP candidate John McCain ever could. Once considered to be the most valuable asset in his wife’s efforts to obtain the Presidency, Bill Clinton has proven to be a liability to her cause. His off-the-cuff comments from New Hampshire to South Carolina have not only significantly damaged Hillary’s campaign, they have served to diminish his standing, popularity and respect across the country.

Seeking to defend Mrs. Clinton’s repetitive, wholly fabricated lies of weeks ago regarding her trip to Bosnia in 1995, Mr. Clinton fabricated and lied thus resurrecting a troubling issue that had just began to fade in the 24 hour news cycle. Bill Clinton, as he angrily sought to correct his wife’s lies, made statements that have raised new issues about Hillary’s mental and physical abilities to serve as president, if elected.

The former President asserted that Hillary had “misspoken once and immediately apologized” when she actually had said, several times on the stump that she had landed in Tuzla ‘under sniper fire”. He then inexplicably stated her age and weariness as the root causes for her “forgetfulness” and lying.

Mr. Clinton then became expansive and in a much less belligerent tone told the audience that “ Hillary is 60 years old. She forgets things. By 11 o’clock at night, she is barely coherent. She has suffered in silence for many years. I feel her pain...I really do”. The gathered crowd was now silent as the former President continued, “My wife, God bless her soul, has advanced untreatable fibromyalgia. She has chronic Prickly Heat, Irritable Bowel Syndrome and has battled Rickets since her days at Yale. She walks in her sleep, has episodes of urinary and bowel incontinence aside from enduring the agony of energy consuming, rib shattering acute flare-ups of Flatulence Basso Profundo. As hard as she works and has worked her entire life in support of women and children she cannot even have the comfort of a good night’s sleep. That’s why I sleep on the couch. Hillary is in the advanced stages of Restless Leg Syndrome, ADHD, St., Vitas Dance and is highly susceptible to sudden bouts of violent rage, gnashing her teeth, sometimes foaming at the mouth and bulimia. As her husband, it is all very difficult to watch her suffering.”

Mr. Clinton paused, apparently to regain his composure and, with his lower lip quivering and tears forming in his eyes, took a deep breathe and went on, “ Yes , it takes her at least 2 hours in the morning to get ready to appear in public. Her day begins with injections of Bovine Growth Hormone, B-12, Botox, and cortisone. While a large crew of 9 make-up artists begin to do the impossible and make her presentable, she takes her medications, supplements and has a beer. What y’all do not realize about this woman, my wife, your next president, is that she takes mega-doses of vitamins and minerals, drinks 2 quarts of Milk of Magnesia, about a gallon of Red Bull, some St. John’s Wort, Mydol, Head-On, powerful de-bloating suppositories in addition to a hefty doses of Beano, Garlique, Centrum Silver, stool softener, Gas-X and Plavix. I am always in awe of her capacity to carry on despite all her serious physical ailments. But, and I do mean, but...they pale in comparison to her incipient dementia, various aphasia's, long stretches of incoherence, drooling and vaginal itch. It breaks my heart to see all this. It actually, sometimes, makes me sick.”

By this time Mr. Clinton’s secret Service security detail had become alarmed. One insider, speaking anonymously commented, “We are worried about him. We know he has all the same things she has plus a boat load more. There are times he has to stand the entire time on coast to coast flights because of the painful burning and itch of gargantuan hemorrhoids.”

Fearing that Mr. Clinton was perhaps revealing too much private information about Mrs. Clinton’s deteriorating mental and physical condition, his handlers waved a McDonald’s happy Meal at him and he quickly exited the stage.

Later in the day, one of Mrs. Clinton’s personal physicians who travels with her while she campaigns across the country told reporters that, “Look, she is not dealing with what virtually every 60 year old wife who has spent the last 30 years in a loveless marriage deals with. Her flatulence, Prickly Heat and bloating have been responding to our course of treatment. Electro Convulsive Therapy (ECT) has been extremely efficacious for the rest of her ailments. Actually, the ECT has worked wonders on Bill Clinton. The only person in the Clinton camp that has physical and mental disorders that are dramatically beyond our abilities to treat in any way is James Carville. Cheap bourbon in large quantities usually shuts him up for an hour or two.”

While much has been made about GOP presumptive candidate John McCain’s age and mental balance, and questions have been raised about Mr. Obama’s experience, former drug use, his inability to break dance and hypertrophied ears, these maladies have not raised the level of concern as have Hillary’s multitude of disorders, ailments and compromised mental acuity.

As the all important Pennsylvania primary grows closer daily, it will be interesting to observe how the candidate and her campaign combat the growing chorus of concerned medical and mental health professionals calling for her institutionalization. According to an anonymous source highly placed in the Clinton campaign noted, “We have hired and she now travels with a masseuse, an acupuncturist, an aroma therapist, a hypnotist, 2 board certified psychiatrists as well as a board eligible Bowelologist, we are often left no other option except to have her heavily sedated at night and then speedball massive quantities of amphetamines into her the next morning. There are rare mornings when all it takes is a double mocha latte’ and a few Twinkies but those days are growing fewer and further apart.”

Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved

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