Sunday, August 17, 2008



( August 16, Krzyvnmstan, Georgia) Russian tanks, armored vehicles and troops continue to pour into this city, firing randomly at civilians, the elderly, cats and dogs. Despite the alleged “cease fire” brokered by the French and other European counties, the streets here still echo with the staccato blasts of automatic weapons as the Russians advance.

The mayor of Krzyvnmstan, Ninrod John Wahalabinsky, is puzzled; perplexed actually,by the tepid response from the West, particularly, the USA.

Mayor Nimrod sat and spoke with this reporter despite the great personal peril such an interview would thrust him and his wife, 18 children and 3 llamas into; fully cognizant of the fact that he was going to miss “Happy Hour” at the Zxcvblkia Bar & Grill. Nimrod, who is a graduate of Harvard, Idaho State and Bismarck Community College, is fluent in English as well as 24 other languages besides his native tongue of Frzlla. We spoke, with heavily armed, drunken, semiliterate Georgians providing security in the dark, dank bowels of a recently bombed yam processing plant just outside town.

“ Russians come, they bomb holy shit out of us, rape our women, our daughters, our goats, mules and donkeys. This is, how you say in the West, a very large and huge cluster fuck. As Mayor and tribal warlord Chief, I telled to all Georgians, fight hard against Russian scum aggressors. I telled to them all, we don’t need this bullshit”

As Vladimir Putin’s Russia continues to exert its authority and increasingly intimidational strength upon its former Republics, United States President, George W. Bush, issued a harsh warning. “ This whole thing is not, um... ah... right. They have to find a way to , um, aahy, er, stop this transmutational aggressiveness. We had and old saying back in Yale and, ahhhh, Midland Texas...I think, I recall, one of the signs was something like, ah, uhmmmm, wanted dead or alive. We, us, you and me and all of us will fight this aggression where ever it rears its ugly head. Dick Cheney, who resides in an undisclosed secure location with plenty of Miller Lite and Naughty Neighbors magazines told me, this shit has to stop. He wanted to drop a few tactical nuclear weapons on the Kremlin, but, I was able to talk him out of it. He wasn’t, as we say in West Texas,.... um..., errrr...., dah... happy.”

Secretary of State, Condolezza Rice, the most useless member of any Cabinet since Mike Espy, was dispatched to meet with the Georgian President, Mikheil Saakashvili and envoys from Russia. Once considered as a “Russia” expert, Rice has been absolutely absent from any efforts regarding international diplomacy since her buddy, George W. gave her the job because they are buddies. She was mildly upset that there were no baseball games in Georgia that she could attend.

Upon her return from Georgia where she was merely an observer as several European leaders crafted the fragile cease fire agreement between the opposing parties, she immediately went to Crawford, Texas to brief the President who, as usual, was on vacation.

Rice, after the intense four minute session with the President, met with a select group of reporters. She began with a short statement: “The President is fully aware of the situation on the ground in Georgia as well as the tentative plans designed to have Russia remove their troops from Georgia. After speaking with the president and playing a short game of “Go Fish” with him, I am confident that he is confident that the Russians and Georgians are confident that whatever it is they are confident about, we are as well. Thank you”, was the extent of Rice’s statement. She took a few questions from the fiercely sweating reporters standing in the blazing Crawford sun. Homer Magsdun of the Dallas Morning News asked Dr. Rice if she or any other agency in our government had had any intelligence prior to Russian’s troops moving in to Georgia. Secretary Rice, anxious to go back into the air conditioned ranch, replied, “ As you well know Homer, intelligence is not high on this administrations priority list. We are still reviewing satellite imagery from the Cuban Missile Crisis and, frankly, we have no intelligence as an administration, individually or collectively. The President remains focused on what he focuses on. He likes to watch badminton and take naps. I assure you and all the American people that we are dealing with this Russian aggression just as we have clumsily dealt with all other aggression over the last 7 years. Good day.”

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