Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Mike Tyson and Plaxico Burress to serve as “advisors”.
(Dec. 1, Chicago, IL) After announcing his foreign policy team earlier today, President-elect Barak Obama introduced two additional members of his future administration. Former heavyweight champ and convicted rapist, Mike Tyson (D) Brooklyn, and Giants wide receiver and gun enthusiast, Plaxico Burress (I) New Jersey, will serve as senior advisors to Mr. Obama. Appearing before the media, Obama cited “the diverse experiences and unique talents” of both appointees. “Mr. Tyson and Mr. Burress will each have a broad portfolio in my administration. I barely know them yet I am confident in their abilities to serve in my White House. I had carefully considered both of them as potential Cabinet members but was uncertain if they would pass Senate confirmation”, Obama told the press.
The reactions to the appointments of Burress and Tyson grew mixed reactions from some of the other people chosen to work for the Obama administration as well as other high ranking Congressional democrats. Attorney General-select, Eric Holder commented, “Both these men bring a lot to the table. As far as the Department of Justice is concerned we’d rather have them close by, working for us rather than working for others. They each have a deep understanding of the criminal justice system and will provide the President and the DOJ with invaluable perspectives.”
Vice President –elect, Joe Biden was very enthusiastic about having Burress and Tyson as advisors in the White House. Biden commented, “Heck yes, these are fine choices, good men who have gone through hard times. They demonstrate all that is good and positive in America. Besides that, I would like to see Mr. Tyson slap the shit out of Rahm Emmanuel now and then. That would keep that arrogant bastard in line.”
Not everyone interviewed expressed the same level of confidence in these appointments. Among those having “reservations” about Burress and Tyson is David Axlerod who headed the Obama campaign and has been named Senior Presidential Advisor. Axlerod said, “I enjoyed watching these guys perform as athletes. I know they are both highly intelligent. I am concerned about their lack of governmental experience. They certainly will, however, strictly limit access to the Oval Office. That can be a good thing given the demands of the President’s schedule.”
J. Chester “Chet” Hollkenburp, the Secret Service agent-in-charge of White House security seemed somewhat taken aback when told of these appointments. “I really don’t know what to say…I mean…holy shit! But, if the President-elect has decided to employ these fellows, who am I to question his judgment?”
Mike Tyson did make a brief, barely intelligible statement to the press saying, “I am F*%ki* honored to be here. I am honored to be anywhere besides prison or rehab. I will do my best for Mr. Barak and, if anyone tries to mess with him, well, they $#@*&! Be messin’ with me too.” Mr. Burress refused to comment but did threaten to beat the “living crap” out of a CNN reporter.
Mr. Obama did also elude that Burress and Tyson may serve as Ambassadors-at-Large in certain circumstances. He continued, “I can see a time given all the complexities of foreign affairs where I could send Mike and Plaxico abroad to...to...ah...intervene in some difficult situations. They have both demonstrated in the past their…ah...ability to be…er..ah..diplomatic in settling disputes. They could help reshape American foreign policy or at least reshape the faces of some of our adversaries. “
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