Friday, September 28, 2012



Bibi Netanyahu and BB King had a tense encounter with the Iranian delegation
as the United Nations General Assembly concluded today.

(Sept.28, 2012 NY, NY: AP, UPI, SOB, BLT, TKO, DOA, CNN, SRO, NY1, MTV, FTS)  In what could have sparked a major international crisis with dire repercussion, the ready forces of NYPD were on hand to intervene in what could have been the catalyst for a wide spread war in the already volatile Middle East.  According to one UN security official who needs to remain anonymous for fear of losing his job, as members of the Iranian and Israeli delegations were departing from the UN, they crossed paths at the First Avenue carport and exchanged words.  Quickly the situation escalated and if not for the rapid response of NYPD Officers from the UN detail, Intelligence Unit and the Emergency Services Unit, the confrontation could have become a physical altercation the echoes of which could have ignited conflagration between the two hostile nations.

The ground for this hostility had been set on Thursday when Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu berated the General Assembly for their “failure” to act with urgency to derail Iran’s “nuclear ambitions”. Shortly after Bibi Netanyahu challenged the G.A. to initiate tougher sanctions on Iran, the Israeli Ambassador for Rhythm and Blues, BB King, appealed to the gathered delegates by way of singing a song.  Some of the delegates appeared a bit confused as to why BB King was representing Bibi Netanyahu and the state of Israel since BB King is an African American without any Jewish ancestry. Apparently BB King took the Israeli job after Barbra Streisand turned it down.  Sources say that Ms. Streisand was looking for a "higher level" position in the Israeli government but does serve as an "unofficial adviser" to BB to help him become informed about Israeli politics and Jewish issues.

Speaking for the Israeli’s, Spokesman Ezekiel Moshe Platz noted, “BB speaks for and stands with Bibi.  If some of our enemies have a problem with that, all I can say is that the Blues is a universal language apparently not understood by radical Islamists.”  Platz continued, “If any people on the face of the earth know the Blues and can relate to the Blues, it is surely us Jews.”  In a terse response the Communications Director of the Iranian delegation, Shali Wali Bingbang commented, “We too know the Blues.  We have known the Blues since the infidels corrupted the Muslim world.  We would have issued a fatwa on Elvis Presley but the Shah was still in charge of our nation before Elvis died.”  Delegate Bingbang later commented while appearing on the FOX-News program, The O’Reilly Factor, saying, “We have lost all respect for Bibi and BB.  We will not even permit BB guns in our country. We are officially banning all BB King music, CD's or other forms of media.  We might ban all R&B music but we must first consult with the Ayatollah who is partial to Celine Dion and Ethel Merman. And, let me be clear, we will defend ourselves against any Israeli aggression with the greatest amount of military force we can muster.”

According to NYPD Deputy Commissioner Paul Brown it was a “logistical error” that the Iranians and Israelis met at the carport.  “We had, as always, planned every aspect of the general assembly down to the last detail.  We had factored in all matters of diplomatic protocol, political correctness and safety for the delegations, the public and the press.  What appears to have happened is that one of the UN security officers assigned to monitor the order in which the delegates left the UN building abandoned his post to purchase a gyro, a bottle of Snapple, a pack of Zig Zag Rolling papers, and a lottery ticket across the street.  Currently his conduct is under investigation and he is being held on Riker’s Island awaiting transport to Guantanamo Base, Cuba.  We are confident we will get to the bottom of this, one way or the other.”

New York City Mayor, Michael Bloomburg, himself a semi-observant Jew, spoke to the press from Katz’ s Deli.  The Mayor said, “We take very seriously our duty to protect the world leaders who come to our City.  We are acutely aware of the threats, risks and complexity of having the leaders of 192 sovereign nations assembled here at the same time.  I work closely with NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly to assure that every contingency has been anticipated, that all our resources are deployed accordingly.  I’m just thankful that Barbra Streisand did not insist in singing with BB King.  It could have been far worse than it was.”

NYPD Deputy Commissioner and Commander of the highly regarded Intelligence Unit, David Cohen, a former CIA official, spoke to the press while the Mayor finished off his borscht and pastrami, adding, “Frankly, one of my biggest concerns was the safety of the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  We knew his presence here in New York City would, as always, present formidable security challenges.  We assigned him the code name “Aqua Velva” so as not to have our personnel waste time trying to say his name correctly.  So, as I monitored events from One Police Plaza and heard Officers on the scene reporting that ‘Bibi and BB were about to run into Aqua Velva’ I knew I had to send the orders to my people in the field to do whatever was necessary to avoid what could have been a stinky collision.”  Cohen continued, “I am very proud of the quick and poised reaction of the members of NYPD at the UN and actually quite disappointed that Ms. Streisand could not attend.  She has always been a favorite of mine.  I also like Mel Torme and Tony Bennett but they were never in the mix to begin with.”

As the dramatic and tense altercation played out at the UN carport, many pedestrians passing by took out their cell phones and other devices to capture the unfolding drama.  Within minutes videos were posted to YouTube, Facebook and other social media sites.  One passerby, Hector Labia, an unemployed pest control technician from the Bronx, was able to record the entire scene.  Labia later told Pablo Guzman of WPIX News, “ Ehhh, I’m goin’ downtown to see this beach…ehhh this lady fren of mines and I walkin by the UN and see this old black dude with a guitar gonna smack this odda little dude in de head. So, I stop and take out my Android and start to record.  Den, I realize the little dude is tha guy from Iran, ehhh…I think hees name is Imadinnerjacket..  I knows this stuff because I watch Telemundo.  Anyhoze, I know it is heem because he look like a guy I know, Skunky, from Sedgwick Avenue who is doin’ 7 to 15 for armed robbery or sum sheet.” (Commissioner Kelly later informed the press that Mr. Labia was being held on several outstanding warrants and may be sent to Gitmo just for the hell of it).

After those few tense moments all members of both the Iranian and Israeli delegations departed safely from the UN premises.  Bibi Netanyahu was later to appear as the keynote speaker at the annual conference of the political action committee, Jewish Americans For Justice And Peace (JAFJAP) at the famed Borscht Belt resort Grossinger’s.  Prior to delivering his speech to the 1300 member audience, he commented on the events earlier in the day.  “I have nothing but the highest respect for the NYPD, the UN Officers, as well the US State Department Security Service.  Also, I always travel a several members of the Mossad who act as our personal body guards.  They are very well trained in all the black arts and would do well in the world of the MMA. We have invited WFC president Dana White to come to Israel several times.  But that is beside the point.  I admit that I was troubled that we had to encounter the vile, evil Iranians who are intent to wipe the state of Israel off the map but, I was proud when BB King started swinging his guitar at Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  BB would be a good Jew.  I just wish he could play chords.”  Netanyahu continued, “I am here now at Grossinger’s to speak to the loyal members of JAFJAP because JAFJAP has always been A-Okay with me.  The Jews of JAFJAP are all good Jews; they are Jew’s Jews who respond ASAP anytime we need their support.”

At the same time many miles from the Catskills, BB King was partying in the famous Greenwich Village establishment, The Blue Note.  As he sipped on a glass of straight gin he seemed to be somewhat amused by the afternoon’s happenings.  “Hell, I had a blast.  I put on a good show, met some real nice fellas from all over the world and almost had a crack at that crazy guy from Idaho…Iowa…I mean Iran, yeah, Iran.  Hell, I almost ran my Fender right into his head!”

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spent the rest of the night in his hotel suite playing Grand Theft Auto on an X-Box, eating food from McDonalds, and enjoying the company of several highly regarded, alluring employees from Ahmed’s Escort Service in Jackson Heights Queens.  Several other members of his contingent were seen shopping at the Odd Lots Discount Store on Malcolm X Boulevard.  Iranian delegations spokesman Shali Wali Bingbang spoke to reporters as he perused the Health and Beauty Aids aisles.  Bingbang seemed in a good mood despite the tension of the afternoon. “I love this about America!  Look at all these choices! There must be 30 different toothpastes, 20 deodorants, many, many bath soaps and oh, so many laxatives, stool softeners, and gas medications!!  I must stock up and bring these treasures home to my family.  I will purchase a large supply of Beano since my Mother-in-Law will be visiting next week.  She does not tolerate hummus and lamb like she once did and tends to eat too many dates when she stays with us.”

Other members who accompanied Bingbang on his bargain shopping spree were seen purchasing underwear, socks, condoms, over the counter pain medications, light bulbs, Saran Wrap, AAA batteries, Silly Putty, Preparation-H as well as a bizarre assortment of canned goods such as Vienna Sausage, Corn Beef Hash, Pork and Beans, Chili con Carne, sardines (in oil), tuna, Spaghetti-O's, chipped beef, creamed corn, Brussels Sprouts, and Spam.  Cashier LaShawanda Monique Phipps-Ellis Green reported that the Iranians also, ""purchased all kinds of shit. They bought alot of Lysol, aluminum foil, Skittles, Draino, baby wipes, and them sneakers with the velcro ties.They justa weird bunch of motherfuckas and one of them tried to grab my ass.  I smacked him upside his Iranian head but, I really couldn't blame him cause I do have one super fine thick booty."

There was yet another small segment of the Iranian delegation shopping in others stores in Midtown. Plain cloths Officers from the Intelligence and Counterterrorism Units assigned to follow this group of bargain hunters reported some of the items these men purchased.  One NYPD Detective speaking not for attribution commented, “The three Iranian individuals my partner and I were assigned to monitor spent many hours in the usual tourists’ shops from 38th Street and Sixth Avenue up to the side streets between 7th and 8th Avenues south of 42nd Street.  They bought a number of NY Yankee caps, hip-hop CD’s, iPods, postcards, pornographic DVD’s and, oddly enough, a lot of FDNY Tee shirts.  At one point they entered the Blarney Stone on 6th Avenue and drank a fair amount of beer and cheap scotch, ate corned beef sandwiches and, according to the manager, Eamonn O’Halloran, stiffed the bartender. “They didn’t leave him a foockin’ dime as a tip the dirty bastards”, said a semi-intoxicated O’Halloran.  “For fucks sake, even the Koreans leave a tip”, O’Halloran noted as he went off to break up a fight between a groups of tourists from Manure Springs, Iowa and 3 NYC Sanitation Department workers. The surviving Iowans were later airlifted to a hospital somewhere in the swamps of Jersey and remain in critical condition.

Tags: Political Satire, Parody, Political Humor, United Nations General Assembly, Bibi Netanyahu, BB King, NYPD, mayor Bloomberg, Grossinger’s, Odd Lots, Nuclear Iran, JAFJAP, You Gotta Laugh

 Copyright The Brooding Cynyx 2012 © All Rights Reserved

No comments: